I am sitting here trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. All the decisions I made have brought me to where I am. I cried. I talked with my baby brother on facebook. I am responsible for how I feel and what happens in my life.
I had a crappy visit on Saturday when the wife spoke up. I accidently called her by her name to my 3 year old. She claimed not to confuse her and that she is their "Mom". I stood up for myself and that is when I got kicked out. I said that I was not confusing her and that she was. I said my 3 year old is not stupid and that she knows who her Mom is. I was asked to leave because I upset her.
Well I should have known better to text and ask if my visit was on for today. She said it was and that my oldest was not allowed to see her sisters. She made that claim before and let my daughter see her sisters twice. Now she is not allowed to see them again. Obviously the wife knows where to hurt me. I will hate having to explain to her that she can't see her sisters.
I can't wait for court to go through. Where a judge can make the rules because the father can't seem to step in and let his wife make all the "rules" when it comes to our children.
The greatest pain is having her use the love of my children against me. I will do anything for them and she knows it too. I have put myself in this position and being strong is the tough part. Seeing them cry when I leave the fathers house from a visit rips my heart apart.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Its amazing how a few words can sum up my experience with this woman.
I am stuck trying to figure out what is the best way to figure out how to get a second income when my EI runs out. I think school is the best but how can I accomplish that with a new baby in December? Well then I need to view all avenues that I have. So instead of sitting on here I will get more done. Till next time.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Some things about the real mom...
The title of this blog holds alot of pain for me. I am the real mother of three beautiful little girls. My oldest, almost 9 who lives a large portion of her life with her father. Her father and I get along for the sake of our daughter. He has understood that she needs her mother in her life. I have two younger angels that I refer to being "held hostage" by their father and step mother.
I have made many mistakes as a human being and as a mother. Since the age of 21 when I left the father of my first child, I was not always certain how to live life because I left home at 14. My mother was a former nurse who became a terrible alcoholic (She has now been sober close to a year and I am so proud of her!). I seemed destined to follow that path. With all the foster homes, the sexual issues, the numerous other homes and the one suicide attempt at 16 that opened the door for a total of six more, I have to say I endured alot.
Most of the time I had found my own place to live. The first place I ever had on my own the father of my oldest helped me get. Despite our differences he is a great guy, his daughter has been his first priority and I am thankful for that. I had my older sister and her daughter move in because she was living with an abusive man. My family (2 brothers, 2 sisters and I) have always suffered in our own way from the damaged life we lived. We are all far apart from one another and it seems to work for us. So adding my sister and I in a home that had one bedroom and with two toddlers was a disaster. I drank and worked while she remained home to watch my daughter if she was not with her father. I was torn, alone and hurting and wasn't sure why. Depression seems to hold onto you more when you drink and I never got that memo till the age of 27-28.
I had no repsect for myself. My mother seemed the same in life, so maybe that was where the behaviour came from? I never did include any guy in my oldest daughters life unless I was sure it was ok. I made a few stupid choices but my sister was there to set me straight. (I let a guy I dated sleep in my bed with me and my daughter once, my sister almost killed me and made me see that it wasn't the right choice). I wish I knew then what I know now.
I can't change the past but make a better future. As I continued to try and find a path in life I moved to another place and left my home town and my daughter with her father. The best place for her. I was able to see her often. I registered for school and found a few jobs. As she started school I saw her less and less and filled that void with alcohol. On one of my "nights" I ended up in emergency. Seeing the resident psychologist who then at the time said I was bi-polar. (I am no longer bi-polar after being reassessed.) Admist all the chaos and the crazy times I still managed to see my oldest when I wasn't depressed. My life then directed to a normal level when I met the father of my younger two.
It was short lived of 3 years. I really can't say much, we had our two daughters. We had our issues. He was always working, I was usually alone. One night after our first daughter was born and he was working I took the baby to a sitters and went out. With all the alcohol and feeling alone from an unhealthy relationship I took his truck and drove it into a semi truck. I survived with memory loss and scrapes. I lost my past and regained it back with almost a year with the help of counselling and facebook. Names and faces were foreign to me. My daughters and her father were foreign to me. My family and everything I knew, I lost. It was a hard time. His parents paid for a retreat to help our relationship, we used the skills for a month or so. We then got pregnant with our second daughter. Not a wise choice as I left at 2 months pregnant. He then had his now wife in the home after two weeks of me leaving.
I felt betrayed by him. I had gotten nothing from him emotionally for 3 years. I was full of hormones and depressed yet again. I am sitting in a borrowed vehicle from a friend because he needed the car, I had to walk. I left my youngest at the time with my sister. Bought some booze and pills. 2 months pregnant and all I could think about was wanting to end my life and this childs because the father is pathetic. I was found by some miracle of my sister calling the police and me rushed to the ER. Black chalk does not taste well.
My baby was born in November, 5 days after her sisters birthday. Seemingly a little over a year later this little girl is my miracle and I am blessed that she is fine.
This is a few of the events that led up to where I am now. A home big enough for my boyfriend and my daughters. I have support of the same psychologist that diagnosed me bi-polar. I have a family that is working through their pasts and demons. I am here fighting for my girls. Ready to have another child and possibly marry the man of my dreams. I am no where near perfect. Never will I be but one great man has laid his hand on me many times when I should be dead. The Lord has a plan for me. I am struck with emotion reading this all. Knowing where I was a few years ago, I am lucky to be here!
I have made many mistakes as a human being and as a mother. Since the age of 21 when I left the father of my first child, I was not always certain how to live life because I left home at 14. My mother was a former nurse who became a terrible alcoholic (She has now been sober close to a year and I am so proud of her!). I seemed destined to follow that path. With all the foster homes, the sexual issues, the numerous other homes and the one suicide attempt at 16 that opened the door for a total of six more, I have to say I endured alot.
Most of the time I had found my own place to live. The first place I ever had on my own the father of my oldest helped me get. Despite our differences he is a great guy, his daughter has been his first priority and I am thankful for that. I had my older sister and her daughter move in because she was living with an abusive man. My family (2 brothers, 2 sisters and I) have always suffered in our own way from the damaged life we lived. We are all far apart from one another and it seems to work for us. So adding my sister and I in a home that had one bedroom and with two toddlers was a disaster. I drank and worked while she remained home to watch my daughter if she was not with her father. I was torn, alone and hurting and wasn't sure why. Depression seems to hold onto you more when you drink and I never got that memo till the age of 27-28.
I had no repsect for myself. My mother seemed the same in life, so maybe that was where the behaviour came from? I never did include any guy in my oldest daughters life unless I was sure it was ok. I made a few stupid choices but my sister was there to set me straight. (I let a guy I dated sleep in my bed with me and my daughter once, my sister almost killed me and made me see that it wasn't the right choice). I wish I knew then what I know now.
I can't change the past but make a better future. As I continued to try and find a path in life I moved to another place and left my home town and my daughter with her father. The best place for her. I was able to see her often. I registered for school and found a few jobs. As she started school I saw her less and less and filled that void with alcohol. On one of my "nights" I ended up in emergency. Seeing the resident psychologist who then at the time said I was bi-polar. (I am no longer bi-polar after being reassessed.) Admist all the chaos and the crazy times I still managed to see my oldest when I wasn't depressed. My life then directed to a normal level when I met the father of my younger two.
It was short lived of 3 years. I really can't say much, we had our two daughters. We had our issues. He was always working, I was usually alone. One night after our first daughter was born and he was working I took the baby to a sitters and went out. With all the alcohol and feeling alone from an unhealthy relationship I took his truck and drove it into a semi truck. I survived with memory loss and scrapes. I lost my past and regained it back with almost a year with the help of counselling and facebook. Names and faces were foreign to me. My daughters and her father were foreign to me. My family and everything I knew, I lost. It was a hard time. His parents paid for a retreat to help our relationship, we used the skills for a month or so. We then got pregnant with our second daughter. Not a wise choice as I left at 2 months pregnant. He then had his now wife in the home after two weeks of me leaving.
I felt betrayed by him. I had gotten nothing from him emotionally for 3 years. I was full of hormones and depressed yet again. I am sitting in a borrowed vehicle from a friend because he needed the car, I had to walk. I left my youngest at the time with my sister. Bought some booze and pills. 2 months pregnant and all I could think about was wanting to end my life and this childs because the father is pathetic. I was found by some miracle of my sister calling the police and me rushed to the ER. Black chalk does not taste well.
My baby was born in November, 5 days after her sisters birthday. Seemingly a little over a year later this little girl is my miracle and I am blessed that she is fine.
This is a few of the events that led up to where I am now. A home big enough for my boyfriend and my daughters. I have support of the same psychologist that diagnosed me bi-polar. I have a family that is working through their pasts and demons. I am here fighting for my girls. Ready to have another child and possibly marry the man of my dreams. I am no where near perfect. Never will I be but one great man has laid his hand on me many times when I should be dead. The Lord has a plan for me. I am struck with emotion reading this all. Knowing where I was a few years ago, I am lucky to be here!
New lies...
I woke up this morning to a few texts. They were from last night and they were supposedly from the father using his wife's phone. They needed my baby's health card, saying that my baby was sick and they needed to prove to the hospital where she was born that she still lived in this province. Also that they wanted me to switch them from my coverage to his.
I said you will get information when I can call the office. It continued back and forth as if it was the father. I figured out that it was his wife. I also figured out that he needs the health care cards to get his tax return to prove to the government that he has had both girls in 2010 (this I figured out on my own). I wrote two letters that they have been living with him. I was nice enough to do that. I am not writing anymore. I am not responsible for his taxes and that he never dealt with custody issues. He is sitting on the fact that I will do what they say, they will soon see that they are not the ones that make the decisions for these children. A judge will.
In the conversation I had with his wife she stated that both my kids are sick, that I can still visit them tonight. That I also need to change the coverage over to "him". I stated that the lady said all I needed to do was order new cards and I did. This is something I should have did long ago for the care of my baby but never made the effort because she was born at this hospital and they have her health care number. Still no excuse on my part. Although I am not just giving them more control.
Towards the end of this conversation I found out that my 3 year old daughter had gotten her hair cut. I am not sure how short. I pray not as short as I think. I made it clear to them a year ago that my girls hair to be kept long. If they have split ends fine, a trim is ok. They have never let me parent these past six months. No decisions were allowed to be made by me. I have followed all of the wifes horrendous rules and this is what is done. It was the last text. "Oh by the way we cut Jess's hair", I respond "Ok". What else can I say?
I called my lawyer today and things are slowly moving and she needs my affidavit and a few other things. I will get them done today or tomorrow. I am really missing them and these visits are getting worse. They don't deserve this and neither do I! They have always made a claim it is about the children but when "she" is taking them away, letting me take them, taking them away, that is more of a control thing on her part!
Over the weekend there was a text as well of a "list" of things that both girls need. I told them to go to child maintenace and obviously they figured that they cannot or that they never did. I want to help care for my kids and they will get everything on that list. They want $200 a month. Between there home renovations, new truck, wedding they had April 30th. I would rather pay for things my children need not debt they accumulate. I know I don't have a say but they gave me a list for my kids and I am happy with that, it totals more than the $200 "she" said it would cost but they are worth it!!
These next few months are going to hurt emotionally and physically. I pray that the baby I am carrying makes it through all this stress I am putting my body through. I am here and I am not going anywhere. I love my girls and I will work hard to have them with me.
I said you will get information when I can call the office. It continued back and forth as if it was the father. I figured out that it was his wife. I also figured out that he needs the health care cards to get his tax return to prove to the government that he has had both girls in 2010 (this I figured out on my own). I wrote two letters that they have been living with him. I was nice enough to do that. I am not writing anymore. I am not responsible for his taxes and that he never dealt with custody issues. He is sitting on the fact that I will do what they say, they will soon see that they are not the ones that make the decisions for these children. A judge will.
In the conversation I had with his wife she stated that both my kids are sick, that I can still visit them tonight. That I also need to change the coverage over to "him". I stated that the lady said all I needed to do was order new cards and I did. This is something I should have did long ago for the care of my baby but never made the effort because she was born at this hospital and they have her health care number. Still no excuse on my part. Although I am not just giving them more control.
Towards the end of this conversation I found out that my 3 year old daughter had gotten her hair cut. I am not sure how short. I pray not as short as I think. I made it clear to them a year ago that my girls hair to be kept long. If they have split ends fine, a trim is ok. They have never let me parent these past six months. No decisions were allowed to be made by me. I have followed all of the wifes horrendous rules and this is what is done. It was the last text. "Oh by the way we cut Jess's hair", I respond "Ok". What else can I say?
I called my lawyer today and things are slowly moving and she needs my affidavit and a few other things. I will get them done today or tomorrow. I am really missing them and these visits are getting worse. They don't deserve this and neither do I! They have always made a claim it is about the children but when "she" is taking them away, letting me take them, taking them away, that is more of a control thing on her part!
Over the weekend there was a text as well of a "list" of things that both girls need. I told them to go to child maintenace and obviously they figured that they cannot or that they never did. I want to help care for my kids and they will get everything on that list. They want $200 a month. Between there home renovations, new truck, wedding they had April 30th. I would rather pay for things my children need not debt they accumulate. I know I don't have a say but they gave me a list for my kids and I am happy with that, it totals more than the $200 "she" said it would cost but they are worth it!!
These next few months are going to hurt emotionally and physically. I pray that the baby I am carrying makes it through all this stress I am putting my body through. I am here and I am not going anywhere. I love my girls and I will work hard to have them with me.
Saturday, 21 May 2011
May 21st visit with my younger two
I usually have visits with my daughters twice a week and those visit are dictated by the step mother of my daughters. There is a claim that decisions are made by both of them, although he barely speaks to me.
This was a beautiful hot day on a Friday. I showed up a little after 6pm. I was suppose to be there at 6 but went to Zellers to get my daughters some things to play with during the visit (coloring book, crayons and bubbles). I saw the father working on the garden in the front of the house and paid no notice to him. I then seen the step mother holding my baby who is 17 months. My baby noticed me and wanted to come down and was held tighter by the step mom who continued to the back yard. I followed.
As I walked through the gate after her she made a remark "Can't you close the gate!" She always has had a problem with me. I grabbed and hugged my angel tight as she came running to me and yelled "Mommy!". She knows who I am, but also calls the step mom "Mommy". I have never corrected my children when they call her that. They have that right because their father is now married to her. My 3 year old was using the washroom and came out after she finished and came to play to. We started with the bubbles. I always have a bag of things to do when I visit. We started blowing the bubbles and the dog they have came and jumped at the bubbles, knocking my baby down in the process. Finally the father seen this and put the dog inside. The step mom got upset and said the dog was doing nothing wrong and that the father was torturing him. He told her that he was knocking the baby down and she said the the baby was fine. I never made a comment. She walked away and called the father an "a-hole". Using the full word.
The visit went on with bubbles and coloring and stick on tattoos. She got upset and asked me to ask before I put one on my baby because she has sensitive skin. I later found an older stick on tattoo on her other arm that was rubbed off. She wanted me also to awnser her after she made her comment. So I looked up the second time and said "I heard you, alright." In a non-threatening tone.
I continued to play on the swing set that they had for the girls, colored and played and counted with them. I have fun when I shut out the step mom. As my hour and a half closed I hugged and kissed my girls. They both tell me they love me. It takes a little coaxing with the baby but she says it. When I say coaxing I mean in a sweet way to tickle her and get her to say "I love you."
I leave after the good-byes. Noticing all the times that the step mom had intervened with me playing with my girls by calling them over and doing something with them. The angry tone she has with me the most of the time. I walk home cause I live just a few blocks away. I have so much on my mind.
Earlier in the day I got $500 from my boyfriend to put on a lawyer to get help in getting a custody order in place. I only want part time. Actually half time. I have every right to know my girls and my girls to know me. I know when the father gets served the step mom will have words with me. Its nothing new on her part and I usually never act out in anger. I want to show my kids that anger is not the answer. I am doing this for my oldest daughter as well who misses them so much and is not allowed to see them because of "rules" that came from her mouth, not the fathers.
I am not allowed to use the washroom in the house, and I am pregnant. I am not allowed to parent my kids such as change diapers or give them snacks. In time I will explain how this all led up to now. Its an amazing tale and more of the time I always break out into tears. All this will be worth it though to have them in my home and be able to love them the way they deserve!
This was a beautiful hot day on a Friday. I showed up a little after 6pm. I was suppose to be there at 6 but went to Zellers to get my daughters some things to play with during the visit (coloring book, crayons and bubbles). I saw the father working on the garden in the front of the house and paid no notice to him. I then seen the step mother holding my baby who is 17 months. My baby noticed me and wanted to come down and was held tighter by the step mom who continued to the back yard. I followed.
As I walked through the gate after her she made a remark "Can't you close the gate!" She always has had a problem with me. I grabbed and hugged my angel tight as she came running to me and yelled "Mommy!". She knows who I am, but also calls the step mom "Mommy". I have never corrected my children when they call her that. They have that right because their father is now married to her. My 3 year old was using the washroom and came out after she finished and came to play to. We started with the bubbles. I always have a bag of things to do when I visit. We started blowing the bubbles and the dog they have came and jumped at the bubbles, knocking my baby down in the process. Finally the father seen this and put the dog inside. The step mom got upset and said the dog was doing nothing wrong and that the father was torturing him. He told her that he was knocking the baby down and she said the the baby was fine. I never made a comment. She walked away and called the father an "a-hole". Using the full word.
The visit went on with bubbles and coloring and stick on tattoos. She got upset and asked me to ask before I put one on my baby because she has sensitive skin. I later found an older stick on tattoo on her other arm that was rubbed off. She wanted me also to awnser her after she made her comment. So I looked up the second time and said "I heard you, alright." In a non-threatening tone.
I continued to play on the swing set that they had for the girls, colored and played and counted with them. I have fun when I shut out the step mom. As my hour and a half closed I hugged and kissed my girls. They both tell me they love me. It takes a little coaxing with the baby but she says it. When I say coaxing I mean in a sweet way to tickle her and get her to say "I love you."
I leave after the good-byes. Noticing all the times that the step mom had intervened with me playing with my girls by calling them over and doing something with them. The angry tone she has with me the most of the time. I walk home cause I live just a few blocks away. I have so much on my mind.
Earlier in the day I got $500 from my boyfriend to put on a lawyer to get help in getting a custody order in place. I only want part time. Actually half time. I have every right to know my girls and my girls to know me. I know when the father gets served the step mom will have words with me. Its nothing new on her part and I usually never act out in anger. I want to show my kids that anger is not the answer. I am doing this for my oldest daughter as well who misses them so much and is not allowed to see them because of "rules" that came from her mouth, not the fathers.
I am not allowed to use the washroom in the house, and I am pregnant. I am not allowed to parent my kids such as change diapers or give them snacks. In time I will explain how this all led up to now. Its an amazing tale and more of the time I always break out into tears. All this will be worth it though to have them in my home and be able to love them the way they deserve!
Being a Part-Time Mom
I am 29 years old and have had an interesting life. I am the mother of 3 little girls. These girls are my breath, my world, my everything. The thing is though, they all live with their fathers. 3 daughters and 2 different fathers. Not to mention I am 3 months pregnant from a 3rd man.
As you read this you are more than likely thinking that I "get around" and I just care about myself. Something like that has crossed the minds of most people I know. Another thing I have struggled with for years is depression. In the past I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and then to be rediagnosed again with an issue with alcohol that triggers my depression. Form whatever opinion you like because I know who I am.
The past year has been an eye opener for me. Right now I am struggling to get my younger two daughters part time in my home with me and my boyfriend. My oldest daughter who is soon to be 9 is with her father full time and I am blessed to have her every other weekend and what days she has no school. (Hopefully I can get her week on and week off for the summer).
I have had a terrible up bringing and that is no way an excuse for my behaviour over the last few years. My last long term relationship was unhealthy too. I am one of the few that will admit that I knew it was half my fault because it takes two to "tango". I have learned so much from my relationship now and a few things about me that I wish I knew when I was 14. I am not here to blame anyone and I am not here to complain. I am here to let out some issues and hopefully shed some light on mental illness and the future custody issue with the father of my younger two.
I will go day by day or when I see my kids or when I get a lightbulb that goes off in my head. Ask any questions because I would love to answer them.
As you read this you are more than likely thinking that I "get around" and I just care about myself. Something like that has crossed the minds of most people I know. Another thing I have struggled with for years is depression. In the past I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and then to be rediagnosed again with an issue with alcohol that triggers my depression. Form whatever opinion you like because I know who I am.
The past year has been an eye opener for me. Right now I am struggling to get my younger two daughters part time in my home with me and my boyfriend. My oldest daughter who is soon to be 9 is with her father full time and I am blessed to have her every other weekend and what days she has no school. (Hopefully I can get her week on and week off for the summer).
I have had a terrible up bringing and that is no way an excuse for my behaviour over the last few years. My last long term relationship was unhealthy too. I am one of the few that will admit that I knew it was half my fault because it takes two to "tango". I have learned so much from my relationship now and a few things about me that I wish I knew when I was 14. I am not here to blame anyone and I am not here to complain. I am here to let out some issues and hopefully shed some light on mental illness and the future custody issue with the father of my younger two.
I will go day by day or when I see my kids or when I get a lightbulb that goes off in my head. Ask any questions because I would love to answer them.
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