The title of this blog holds alot of pain for me. I am the real mother of three beautiful little girls. My oldest, almost 9 who lives a large portion of her life with her father. Her father and I get along for the sake of our daughter. He has understood that she needs her mother in her life. I have two younger angels that I refer to being "held hostage" by their father and step mother.
I have made many mistakes as a human being and as a mother. Since the age of 21 when I left the father of my first child, I was not always certain how to live life because I left home at 14. My mother was a former nurse who became a terrible alcoholic (She has now been sober close to a year and I am so proud of her!). I seemed destined to follow that path. With all the foster homes, the sexual issues, the numerous other homes and the one suicide attempt at 16 that opened the door for a total of six more, I have to say I endured alot.
Most of the time I had found my own place to live. The first place I ever had on my own the father of my oldest helped me get. Despite our differences he is a great guy, his daughter has been his first priority and I am thankful for that. I had my older sister and her daughter move in because she was living with an abusive man. My family (2 brothers, 2 sisters and I) have always suffered in our own way from the damaged life we lived. We are all far apart from one another and it seems to work for us. So adding my sister and I in a home that had one bedroom and with two toddlers was a disaster. I drank and worked while she remained home to watch my daughter if she was not with her father. I was torn, alone and hurting and wasn't sure why. Depression seems to hold onto you more when you drink and I never got that memo till the age of 27-28.
I had no repsect for myself. My mother seemed the same in life, so maybe that was where the behaviour came from? I never did include any guy in my oldest daughters life unless I was sure it was ok. I made a few stupid choices but my sister was there to set me straight. (I let a guy I dated sleep in my bed with me and my daughter once, my sister almost killed me and made me see that it wasn't the right choice). I wish I knew then what I know now.
I can't change the past but make a better future. As I continued to try and find a path in life I moved to another place and left my home town and my daughter with her father. The best place for her. I was able to see her often. I registered for school and found a few jobs. As she started school I saw her less and less and filled that void with alcohol. On one of my "nights" I ended up in emergency. Seeing the resident psychologist who then at the time said I was bi-polar. (I am no longer bi-polar after being reassessed.) Admist all the chaos and the crazy times I still managed to see my oldest when I wasn't depressed. My life then directed to a normal level when I met the father of my younger two.
It was short lived of 3 years. I really can't say much, we had our two daughters. We had our issues. He was always working, I was usually alone. One night after our first daughter was born and he was working I took the baby to a sitters and went out. With all the alcohol and feeling alone from an unhealthy relationship I took his truck and drove it into a semi truck. I survived with memory loss and scrapes. I lost my past and regained it back with almost a year with the help of counselling and facebook. Names and faces were foreign to me. My daughters and her father were foreign to me. My family and everything I knew, I lost. It was a hard time. His parents paid for a retreat to help our relationship, we used the skills for a month or so. We then got pregnant with our second daughter. Not a wise choice as I left at 2 months pregnant. He then had his now wife in the home after two weeks of me leaving.
I felt betrayed by him. I had gotten nothing from him emotionally for 3 years. I was full of hormones and depressed yet again. I am sitting in a borrowed vehicle from a friend because he needed the car, I had to walk. I left my youngest at the time with my sister. Bought some booze and pills. 2 months pregnant and all I could think about was wanting to end my life and this childs because the father is pathetic. I was found by some miracle of my sister calling the police and me rushed to the ER. Black chalk does not taste well.
My baby was born in November, 5 days after her sisters birthday. Seemingly a little over a year later this little girl is my miracle and I am blessed that she is fine.
This is a few of the events that led up to where I am now. A home big enough for my boyfriend and my daughters. I have support of the same psychologist that diagnosed me bi-polar. I have a family that is working through their pasts and demons. I am here fighting for my girls. Ready to have another child and possibly marry the man of my dreams. I am no where near perfect. Never will I be but one great man has laid his hand on me many times when I should be dead. The Lord has a plan for me. I am struck with emotion reading this all. Knowing where I was a few years ago, I am lucky to be here!
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